It Has to Mean Something
by JamesMFan
Summary: CH2! during S7 'End of Days' when Buffy agrees with Spike on their night together being the best night of their lives.She asked him "Does it have to mean something" This is what would have happened if he had answered "yes" like we all wished he had done
1. My Crash Mat

It Has to Mean Something

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A/N: This takes place during the scene in S7 'End of Days' with Buffy and Spike trying to admit how they really feel about each other and, as usual, they messed it up terribly. This is how I think it should have gone.

"...And it was the best night of my life. So, _yeah,_ I'm...terrified" Spike admitted, his raw emotion rising up, displayed on his face alabaster face.

"You don't have to be" Buffy replied softly watching the way the dim candlelight flickered across her old lover's face.

Spike paused a moment as he let it sink in, tilted his head "Were you there with me?" He looked intently into her eyes.

Buffy looked back at him, unwavering for once "I was"

The vampire inclined his head a little a small flicker of hope etched on his face "What does that mean?"

She blinked, looked down, unsure again "I don't know. Does...does it have to mean something?"

Spike looked at the Slayer, his Slayer, and knew how hard this was for her. To admit that she felt something for him, to commit herself to someone like him when she did not know if she would even live through the night. He knew it was hard but it didn't stop him wanting to know. He had waited a long time to have the talk with Buffy and now seemed to be the right time. No more putting things off. Something had to be said and now was the best time because tomorrow they could all die.

"Yeah, it has to mean something" Spike said, squaring his shoulders and readying himself to be shot down as he had been many times before "Good or bad...it has to mean something"

Buffy bit her lip and inhaled a deep breath. This was it. Their moment. Spike had asked to be told and though she was more scared than she had ever been she had to honor his request. He deserved that much. He deserved more. It was funny how she could take on the army of hell and not bat an eyelash but when faced with voicing her feeling towards the vampire who stood before her she felt her heart pounding and her hands began to shake. She gripped the handle of the scythe in a death-grip and tried to focus her breathing. Nothing worked. Buffy was just going to have to tell him.

"Something? It meant more that just..._something_" Buffy looked down at the floor then slowly turned her eyes back to his "It meant everything"

Spike started to step towards her but stopped himself "What do you mean?"

"You need me to spell it out?"

He smiled a little "In a relationship like ours? I need you to spell it out and then repeat it. I never was a quick study"

Buffy felt a tremble in her voice that she could not repress "I want to tell you what you want to hear. I want to say that I love you and mean it. But I can't. I'm not in love with you..."

Spike sucked in a breath and nodded rapidly he looked down at the floor. He hadn't expected any more but still he felt like his dead heart was being shattered into a hundred pieces. The Slayer didn't love him. He knew it. Didn't mean he had to like it. The vampire turned to leave decided now would be a good time to write some awful poetry.

The Slayer's grip on his wrist heeded his exit. He stopped and his back muscles tensed before he turned around to face her again. He could see the flames from the candles reflected in her eyes. A bloke could loose himself in those eyes. Spike had on many occasions.

"Let me finish. God, do you always have to be so melodramatic?" Buffy asked, a chiding tone in her voice.

Spike's eyebrows lifted and he nodded once "Carry on, luv. The audience awaits with baited breath"

Buffy rolled her eyes "I'm not _in_ love with you. But...I'm starting to be. I'm falling in love with you Spike and I'm scared. _I _am terrified"

He looked at her and frowned. Had those words really just come out of her mouth or was he dreaming again? He pinched himself. No, he was really here. So was she. Buffy Summers was falling in love with _him_. Spike felt a rush of emotion overtake him but he had to stay silent, had to let her say what she needed to say and what he desperately needed to hear.

"You don't have to be," He mimicked her earlier words "Why would you be?"

She turned her face away "Because...Because I've never fallen in love before. With Angel and Riley it just happened...like, like a freight train. It just hit me. With you...it's gradually happening. Every day I learn something new about you, something that makes you more real to me more..._human._ Every day that I talk with you some more, or tease, or flirt...it makes me feel warm and safe and normal. When I'm with you I'm not just the Slayer I'm Buffy too. You don't put any pressure on me and you give me the chance to feel like a normal girl. So...the more I get to know you the more I fall and the more I fall the more I feel like I should just let myself go completely. But I can't"

Spike felt a lump in his throat; tears were glistening the corners of his eyes "Why not?"

"Because I'm afraid," Buffy voice was near a whisper now "I'm afraid that if I fall that...it will all change and we'll go back to what we were – spiteful lovers and nothing more"

He shook his head "That could never happen. We aren't the same people we were back then. It took me over a hundred years but I have changed, Buffy. I'm not gonna try and drag you into the darkness with me because...because I don't want to be in the dark anymore. When I'm with you I feel like I'm standing in the sun and...god, I sound like such a ponce!"

Buffy reached out and took his hand in hers "No you don't. At least you're not afraid to show me how you feel"

"You don't have to be. You know if you fall that I'll catch you" Spike said gently, squeezing her hand.

Buffy smiled "Hey, I'm no damsel in distress that needs saving you know"

Spike chuckled too and the warmth was held in his expression "Okay, I'll be there to break your fall, is that okay? Just land on me, I am your crash mat"

"That's better" She confirmed, nodding. Her face turned serious again "Spike, I want you to know that if we get past this apocalypse that I...I may be needing you to be my _crash mat_ sometime soon"

The vampire nodded "I look forward to it"

They both looked at each with a new found understanding. If they made it through to the other side of the end of the world then things were going to get interesting. Spike looked at his love, his lady, his girl, his world and he smiled. She was the most beautiful thing in the universe and she was looking at him. He was sure that the Powers That Be would bollocks the whole thing up but he was content for these few moments and that was enough for him.

Buffy always loved the way Spike looked at her. Like all he saw was her and he was blind to the rest of the world. She had begun to feel the same way about him. His bluest of blue eyes could capture her at the most surprising times. It was always a nice feeling to be lost in him for a little while. To escape the burden of her work and her life. Spike was hers. And, now it seemed, she was his. What surprised her most about this was that she didn't mind. In fact, she _liked_ belonging with someone. It felt wonderful.

"We should go be heroes," Spike said softly, breaking the moment with regret.

The Slayer blinked, hefted the scythe "Right. Got a job to do"

"Right" He nodded back and started to leave again.

"But Spike," She called after him and he turned back "When we're done being heroes can we just be ourselves?"

The vampire smiled at her and nodded. Buffy smiled back. She stepped into him, leaned up on tiptoes and kissed him softly on the lips. They took their last moment of peace. Then they separated. Looked at each other. Spike winked at her then turned and left by the back door.

Buffy looked out the open door and took a deep breath.

She smiled.


	2. A Visit From TDF

It Has to Mean Something II

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A/N: Set during the scene where Angel swoops in with billowing coat and saves Buffy's ass. That's all fine. The kiss? Not so fine. I like my Spike. So this is what _should_ have happened (continuing after my version of the Buffy and Spike 'It has to mean something' talk in 'End of Days') SPUFFY.

Buffy turned to Angel in the dusty crypt that was a poor excuse for a pagan temple. Sweat was running down her back and her heart was racing from the fight she had just had with the psycho preacher Caleb. But _he_ was still here. Her first love. Her guy. Or at least that's what he used to be. Not anymore. They had both changed too much for them to ever be anything more than allies in the fight against evil again.

A small part of Buffy mourned the loss of their old relationship but a bigger part of her knew that it was right for them to be apart.

"See? Under control" She motioned back at Caleb who she had just sliced in the stomach and was now lying dead on the floor.

Angel nodded and smiled at her "Well at least tell me you're glad to see me"

The Slayer took a step into the dark vampire and was about to lean upwards and kiss him. She stopped herself. Kiss him? Why was she going to kiss him? Out of habit was her only answer. She had just been thinking about how he was no longer her guy and yet here she was about to kiss him. Seriously weird. Then again that was the whole Buffy-Angel dynamic in a nutshell.

Angel was looking at her in confusion. He expected a welcome of epic proportions, obviously. Buffy settled on giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek. He frowned but said nothing. The Slayer took a step back and smiled. Whether he was her ex or not she was still glad to see him. Just not give-him-an-intense-and-totally-uncalled-for-kiss glad to see him. Friendly glad. Yeah, that was it.

"Angel, what are you doing here? Not that I'm not glad for the assist..."

"Not saving the damsel in distress, that's for sure" Angel grinned.

Buffy shrugged "You know me – not big with the damseling"

Angel looked at her "Got your fair share of distress though"

Buffy watched as Angel picked up a file folder and started to tell her what he had learnt from his contact in L.A Neither of them noticed Spike standing in the shadows, leaning against a pillar. He watched them together. They bantered, they smiled, they acted like friends – the sexual tension could be cut with a knife. Spike wanted to cut it with a knife. He felt his jaw clench. He had seen Buffy lean up to kiss Angel. It made his heart drop.

__

But she didn't kiss him...

Spike frowned. Why hadn't Buffy kissed Angel? With the rising music and dizzying camera shot, it was what those two did when they met. He had seen Angel's look of disappointment. Spike's frown turned into a grin. Did she do it for him?

Before he could even begin to comprehend that Angel went flying across the room and skidded over the floor in a heap. Spike turned at the same time Buffy did to see Caleb was still alive and very much pissed. There was no way he was just going to stand around and let Buffy get hurt again.

Buffy yelled out when Caleb smashed her into the ceiling and let her drop to the floor. She was too stunned to move and waited for the killing blow. Instead she heard a war cry that sounded very familiar. Spike barreled into the preacher tackling him to the floor bone-crushingly hard.

The Slayer jumped up "Spike? What are you doing here? Were you _following_ me?"

Spike grunted as Caleb punched him in the face "Really not the time for this chat, luv"

Buffy ran over and grabbed Caleb by the shoulders throwing him off of her vampire. Wait. Hold up. _Her _vampire? Whatever. The preacher was on her again but she was ready this time.

"Stupid girl." Caleb hissed "You can't stop me. You don't have the ba–"

Buffy whirled the scythe around and up right in between his legs "Well, who does nowadays?" Then she brought the scythe all the way up.

Cutting him in half.

The body parts fell to the floor.

Spike winced "Ouch. Hit a fella where it hurts there, pet"

Angel jumped up from the floor "Alright, now I'm pissed! Where is he?"

Buffy looked at the floor in one spot and then the other spot and Angel followed her eyes. He frowned and dug his hands deep into his pockets.

Spike grinned "Yeah, you missed the fight. Too busy napping I wager"

Angel turned his eyes to the vampire "Spike. I noticed that you were too busy hiding to help in the first place"

"I was not hiding, you ponce" Spike balled his fists and walked up to Angel so that they were almost chest to chest.

"Sure looked like you were to me" Angel smiled.

Buffy grabbed hold of both vampires by their shoulder and wrenched them apart "God, how old are you? Twelve?"

Angel pulled away from her "I have something you might need"

Spike sidled up closer to Buffy and gave her a sweet smile. She responded by giving him dagger eyes. His shoulders dropped and the smile fell from his face. Just when they had started to get things sorted out when they had talked by the back door Angel-breath had to come and screw it up. Bastard.

Angel turned back around and held up the tacky necklace with the gaudy chain and large crystal in it. Spike arched an eyebrow.

Buffy's eyes widened "I can already tell you I have nothing that goes with that"

"Never did know the way to a ladies heart" Spike murmured.

Angel glared at him then turned to Buffy "It's not for you. It's for me. It has some kind of cleansing power, the description is vague. It has to be worn by someone ensouled but more than human. A champion"

"So, naturally, we have a winner here in TDF" The peroxide vampire sighed.

Angel frowned "TDF?"

"Tall, Dark and Forehead" Buffy explained.

The two vampires looked at her.

"What? I've been around Spike long enough to know his little quirks"

Angel arched an eyebrow "I can smell that"

Buffy looked at him, confused. Then it hit her. Oh, vampires with their smelling. It was so _totally_ gross. She shook her head and turned to leave. She had to get out of this stuffy temple and out of the company of the vampires. Unfortunately they both followed her out to the cemetery outside.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Angel called after her.

Buffy sighed, turned around "Is that your business?"

"Yeah, you tell him Slayer" Spike grinned.

"Shut up, Spike" Both Buffy and Angel chorused.

Angel took a step towards her "Are you in..._love_ with him?" He looked disbelieving.

Spike did shut up then because this was a question he wanted to see how she would answer when asked by Angel. When they had spoken by the door before she had left she had said that she was falling for him. Would she say this to Angel? Spike looked at her and found her looking at him.

Buffy tore her eyes away from Spike to look at the other vampire "Look, it's complicated okay? He's...he's my crash mat"

Angel's brow furrowed "Your...what?"

"It's private, Angel" She said quietly.

"Yeah, Angel, it's private" Spike smirked.

"Shut up, Spike" Angel and Buffy chorused again.

The Slayer looked at the dark-haired vampire "It's different now. Spike has a soul and he's –"

"Oh, well" Angel shifted uncomfortably "Now, everyone's got a soul. Always were copying me, hey Spike?"

"Oh, shut up you wanker. For once this had nothing to do with you" Spike walked up to stand beside Buffy "This was about me and Buffy. Got that?"

Buffy put her hand up to silence them both "Angel, you can't stay here. I need you back in L.A to start a second wave if we...if we fail. And the amulet...I'll wear it. I'm a champion, right?"

"No, it's too volatile, we don't know what it'll do" Angel shook his head "And is that the only reason you want me gone?"

The Slayer took the amulet from him "No. Having you both here would be..._confusing_"

"For who?"

"Everybody!" Buffy cried, throwing her arms in the air "God, why are you so...are you gonna come by and get all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?"

"Ah ha! Boyfriend!" Angel pointed.

Spike turned to Buffy with interest and hope in his eyes.

"He's not..." Buffy said and Spike looked down at the ground "But he's in my heart. And that's where he's staying for the foreseeable future"

Angel mumbled "That'll end well"

Buffy wasn't paying attention though she was looking over at Spike who was giving her a shy look and smile. She smiled back and did something bold. She reached over and took his hand. Spike arched an eyebrow and squeezed her hand back. They both turned to look for Angel. He was gone. Buffy turned and saw him disappear around the corner.

"Never seen him bolt so fast in my undead life" Spike commented.

The Slayer sighed "I hope he's okay"

"He'll be fine. Brooding is what he loves best, remember?"

Buffy shot Spike a look and pulled her hand out from his. Spike grabbed it back.

"So, you gonna give me that necklace or what?"

"It's volatile, you heard Angel"

"Yeah. So there's no way you're wearing it. I got a soul. I'm more than human. Hand it over, Blondie"

Buffy shook her head "I'm not risking you"

"There's no one else to risk, Buffy"

"Don't make me do this, Spike" The Slayer whispered.

Spike tilted his head and looked at her with _that_ look on his face. The look that no woman could resist. Buffy looked down at the amulet in her hand "Angel said it was meant to be worn by a champion"

Spike nodded and looked down at the ground. He pulled his hand away from the Slayer. A champion. As in Angel. A champion. As in Buffy. He got it. Spike had always known he was never a hero, never would be. He was far too selfish for that. Why did he get the soul? For Buffy, because he wanted her to love him. Selfish reasons.

Buffy walked up to him and dropped the amulet over his head. It settled around his neck. The pendant lying heavily on his chest.

"I think it suits you," She smiled gently "Tacky, gaudy, cheap...right up your alley"

Spike looked at the necklace then at his Slayer and realized she was calling him a champion.

He grinned, placed his hands on her waist "That doesn't say much for you, luv. Considering I've been right up _your_ alley"

The Slayer pulled a disgusted face but it was only half-serious and when she tried to step out of his embrace he pulled her close. Their chests pressed against one another he smiled as he looked into her eyes. It was her that leaned up and kissed him. Though he sure did respond. He lifted her up and then set her down on a nearby gravestone. His lady, his love.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Neither of them noticed the amulet begin to glow in-between their bodies.

They also never noticed Angel leaning against a mausoleum, jaw clenched and fists balled.

Next to him an exact replica of Buffy whispered "That _bitch_"

****

A/N: Dun! Dun! Dun! A little Angel – Spike role reversal there. This is for everyone who, like me, didn't see why Buffy and Angel kissed in End of Days/Chosen. It was almost as if the writers were trying alittle _too_ hard to remind us that those two crazy kids were supposed soul mates. Please, they were together when she was sixteen! Sorry to all BA shippers, but, guys, the fairytale is over.


End file.
